Roger Eb - I mean Paula with her two cents
I just got to skim over your movie reviews for the
year, and here are a few quick thoughts:
Worst Miscasting: Jennifer Aniston in "Rock Star". An
awful display of trying to show a range she doesn't
have (but I am a big fan of hers on "Friends"). Also:
the movie was completely pointless.
Movie that Made Me Want to Kill Myself in the Theatre:
"Swordfish". Horrendous, and I'm a Travolta fan. Talk
about pointless, this one takes the cake. And by the
way, Hugh Jackman should decide if he wants to be an
actor or a "movie star". He could be a great actor,
but his choices so far after "X-Men"...
Movie that Made Me Want to Kill Myself...Runner Up:
"Vanilla Sky". A boring, endless mismash; so
disappointing from such a great director.
I also thought "Planet of the Apes" was awful, and
again, from such a great director.
Most Delightful Movie: "Shrek." I saw it 3 times!
That's all for now, I'll tell you more as I think of
it!
Love,
Paula
Rob and I have a discussion that involves many references to "Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn". Well, actually the same reference over and over and over and...
ROB:
Howdy!
I was browsing through your website earlier and something caught my eye
(and dragged it fifteen feet). Please put on your rant filter and suffer
through the following at your convenience.
So, you're a Monkey Mark fan? Are you also a Kevin Costner fan? It's kinda
like watching dead people perform except that with dead people stuff can
fall off, hence comedy. Sure, you may ask yourself, what the hell do I know
about acting. Well, nothing. But are we not men? We should never let a
fact get in the way of a good opinion, eh?
But Monkey Mark? You speak of Denzel & Sir Ian McKellan and other quality
actors and then you praise Monkey Mark on the same page? Frankly, Captain,
I am shocked. Well, not really. I think that Monkey Mark took the world
by storm when he played Dirk Diggler. I love that a story about a big dick
became so popular. Personally, I think the movie was a pretty dull view of
the porn world (Orgazmo had more balls, and that sucked too) headed by a
very bland actor. But Amerikkka opened it's heart (& mouth) when Monkey
Mark dropped trou at the end and showed his enhanced penis. Oooh. What a
special effect. Yawn.
One might argue that the monkey's performance in Three Kings was
outstanding. Hogwash. George the Cloonmeister carried the show. Monkey
Mark did what he does best, the bland boy. As long as he gets roles where
the character is bland or full of himself or hopefully shot full of curarae
darts by the Bushmen of Las Vegas, he seems to be doing well. I do not
think that this is acting. This is a happy coincidence that bland boy
plays bland boy and this seems like a tremendous job. Think of what a
GREAT ACTOR like WILLIAM SHITNER could have done with any of the above
mentioned roles. How about CHARLTON PISSEDON, King of the NRA I vote
brigade? He would have brought something unique and endearing to these
roles too. But no, Monkey Mark was nothing more than the littlist
dingleberry on Hollywood's Christmas Tree.
Well, Captain, my Captain. I hope that I have made myself clear on this
issue. Obviously you have been nipping a little too much at the Zippo
Brand Fire Vodka again. Bravo. However, please keep in mind that your
opinions influence the masses of little children who are looking for a good
time. Please steer them in the direction of quality art, like Troma's
Tromeo & Juliet or H.G. Lewis's classic Bloodfeast. I fear that you may be
traumatizing children the world over (Good job!).
Keep the faith brother!
P. Brane
PAUL:
Rob -
It's taken me a while to get back to you on all this movie stuff, but here it is:
If you look REALLY hard, you can find Kevin Costner in "Night Shift", as an extra. I think you put it best when you said, 'Lookin' at that ya gotta wonder how he ever got
cast again.'
I disagree with most everything you said about "Boogie Nights". I do find sympathy for most of the characters. I think they try desperately in their fucked up way to act as a family, but they don't know how to successfully run their emotional lives. They only know debauchery and sin, and mistake it for fulfillment. And the filmed is framed in such a way (intro, glory days, the '80s hit, drugs are introduced, downward spiral) that I enjoyed the ride. I still say the dick shot was just a great way to send us all off. It wasn't like they kept saying "show us your dick!", and he'd say "no" repeatedly, so you're waiting the whole movie to see it, and finally you do. Ah, we've been over it, I liked it you didn't. Ces't la vie.
Let me just say that I was NOT knocking Bruce "If Chins Could Kill" Campbell! He is the MAN. You probably think I was because I put him in the same sentence with Wahlberg. I like watching them both. Neither are great actors (OK, I guess I did knock him a bit), but I'd watch them in anything.
Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm! Swallow your sperm!
- Paul
ROB:
Don Pablo:
I don't know that I want to look all that hard for Kevin Costner except
through a scope rifle, but such is life.
Yeah, a lot of people disagree with me about Boogie Nights. I see your
points and agree with you, but the thing just didn't do it for me. Maybe I
couldn't get passed Monkey Mark as a protagonist. I thought the supporting
cast worked real hard at making a quality film and it was fun to watch
them. I just never cared about his Monkeyness. The supporting cast
stories would have been more interesting to me if they had been handled
with a story structure like Magnolia. Oh well, sez levee.
On a merrier tune, I caught Lord of the Rings. It's fun. I actually
didn't like the soundtrack (which is odd for me because I don't normally
pay much attention to them). It sounded too much like Braveheart's
soundtrack (hm, maybe I do pay attention to these things after all). I
kept waiting for Monkey Mel, er um Mel Gibson to show up on horseback with
his face painted screaming "Freedom!!!" Oh well. Other than that, it was
a fun romp through middle earth. Although, I always wonder if it's middle
earth (you know deep inside the planet) why is there a sky? Smoke &
mirrors I suppose. Oy vell...
The orcs rocked and the fights were great. The story is simple so you
don't have to think about it to much while you're watching killer fight
scenes. Story? Hm, oh yeah, the ring! Toss it in the lake of fire.
Cool. Now just get through all the evil in the world of middle earth to
succeed. Piece of cake.
I read the books long ago and don't remember them well enough to do a
thorough compare/contrast to the movie. I'll wait til the books start
turning up in the used bookshops again before I pick 'em up. All in all,
no one should be embarrassed. A thumping good time, eh what not?
Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm
whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your
sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow
your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale!
Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm
whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your
sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow
your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale!
Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm
whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your sperm whale! Swallow your
sperm whale!
Hic.
Rob
PAUL:
Rob -
That was fuckin' hilarious. I will post the shit out of your comments.
And I will confess to having liked Kevin Costner in "Bull Durham", "Field
of
Dreams", "JFK" and "Silverado". He and Wahlberg don't have perfect
careers,
but there are times when their personalities shine. Let me rephrase that.
There are times when Costner shows a personality, and times when he
doesn't.
After "Planet of The Apes", it seems that Wahlberg's headed down the same
path. But when he clicks, I have fun.
I TOTALLY disagree about "Boogie Nights", that movie could've ended with
Diggler blowing his head off, and it would've been just as good. Anyone
could make a holy-shit-is-this-lifestyle-fucked-up-or-what? take on the
porn
world, but I like the idea of porno freaks as a dysfunctional family.
Plus,
it had "Sister Christian". I mean, c'mon. Night Ranger? Just give 'em
the
Oscar.
I also never said "Mark Wahlberg is a good actor". I just said I like
watching him. In a Bruce Campbell kind of way. If I mentioned Campbell
next
to McKellen and Denzel, you'd have no problem, I'm sure.
Swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul,
swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul,
swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul,
swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul,
swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul,
swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul,
swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul, swallow your soul,
swallow your soul, swallow your soul!
Swallow this,
Paul
ROB:
Hiya!
Actually, if it's confession time: I haven't seen Bull Durham, Field of
Dreams or Silverado. I did see JFK and thought that Costner was bland
bland bland. But I figured that was a creative decision and ignored it.
Of course, I didn't give a flying magic bullet about him or his problems
which hurt my enjoyment of the film. Curse you Costner. Now, if you
really wanna get jiggy with KC, you gotta check out Sizzle Beach USA
(available through Troma). Lookin' at that ya gotta wonder how he ever got
cast again.
Back to Boogie Nights. I guess I just expect more from the porn world. I
mean, Orgazmo just plain sucked. Big time disappointment: South Park
guys, Mormons & a pink suit with tons o' cameos. But no. Sadly, sniffing
paint thinner and contemplating the fading of brown paint on an old UPS
truck was more fun (don't ask). I know a lot of people really loved Boogie
Nights. I agree that it was written very well. And Burt Reynolds was
grand. But the whole thing boils down to a big dick. And since I had no
sympathy for the main character (who is based on John Holmes, a big dick)
it was tough for me to care. I did like some of the sub plots and
supporting characters. I was much more interested in them. They added a
lot of color and life and saved the flick from being a complete pain in my
ass. And, yes, it did have the best use of Sister Christian ever.
Were you trying to knock the universal appeal of Bruce, The Chin, Campbell?
At least he has a pulse. Not only can he scream, but he can run like a
mother fucker and wield a chainsaw with absolute impunity (whatever
impunity means). If Monkey Mark had been in Evil Dead, can you just
imagine the boredom?
I caught Training Day last night. Good first half that didn't quite have
the follow through. But at least Denzel was having a good time. Where can
I send him a Christmas ham?
Hey, that would be a fun tradition to start. Let's start sending our
favorite hams, some X-mas ham, in July. Con mucho amor, eh ese? Fuck that
naughty & nice shit. Let's get spammy!
Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow
your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow
your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow
your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow
your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam!
Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam! Swallow your spam!Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your spam! Swallow your
spam!
Yum, Spambi!
See ya in the funny pages,
Rob
PAUL:
Yeah, "Lord of the Rings" was pretty good. But it was no "Meet the
Feebles"...
ROB:
If only the Hobbits sang the Sodomy Song...Oh well, opportunity
missed. Maybe next year.
Blob
If you liked that conversation with Rob, here's what he recommends:
Jeepers Creepers:
Stupid title. Fun flick. Worth a look. Good gore. Couple of jumps. And
surprises and fun for the whole family. Some guy took his infant to see
it. Must be cheaper than a babysitter. Til the kid starts crying and the
crowd burns the bastard beneath the Dolby Sound Speaker. Yum. S'mores
too.
Rob
Did you see a flick called Series 7? This is great shite. A TV show where
the contestants have to kill each other. And what does the winner get? The
winner gets to live. What a great prize. And, on top of that, there's some
dramatic crap too. Fun for the whole family! Teresa, put down that knife!
Agh!
Anyway, gonna watch Dancer in the Dark. Took it out from the library. What
does an Icelandic chicken say? Bjork bjork bjork!
Hiya!
Have you seen the film Intimacy? It's worth a look. I haven't wanted to
smack a character or two upside the head so bad in so long. Really well
acted and downright painful to watch at times (not because it sucks but
because of the decisions these people make).
Anyway, that's my pick of the moment. I still wanna check out that Kung Fu
French Wolf flick, as well as something called The Devil's Backbone. Some
foreign thing. Looks good.
Have you seen anything bad lately?
Blob
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